Loneliness is a common problem, and it affects the young and the old, the well off and the impoverished. Why is it that we feel lonely when we are more connected as a society than we’ve ever been in the history of humankind?

What is loneliness?
Loneliness NZ defines loneliness as “an emotional state that arises from not having the desired sufficient meaningful connections with others – those people you could rely on in time of need. Loneliness is not related to how many friends or relationships you have, or whether you are alone or amongst people.”

As someone who has suffered loneliness at times, and sometimes extreme loneliness, I have wondered about the condition and the cure.
Personally, I have come to define it as a problem of identity.

If we rely on others, or rely on passing states of our own being, that may result in a form of loneliness.

Statements like:

• I feel lonely,
• I feel unloved,
• I feel alone,
• I feel sad and alone, even when I’m with others,
• I feel misunderstood,

are all common and symptomatic of looking elsewhere, and not finding, that feeling of meaningful connectedness or contentment with our own state of being.
As a philosopher I have examined this through a philosophical lens i.e. a lens that puts the love of wisdom as a starting point for discovery.

And here’s what I’ve found that works for me. You may find it useful too.
1. We, human beings, are a mixture of various elements ie body, mind, emotion, spirit and “essence”, our true self which is “universal” i.e. everywhere, eternal and infinite.
2. As human beings we build a sense of self-identity, who we believe ourselves to be, what we call “Me”.
3. When this identity is nurtured and is getting the “good feels” it requires, we call that “happiness”.
4. And when it is deprived of those feelings, an emotion arises which we might call unhappiness, sadness or loneliness.
5. We tend to forget the “essential” part of ourselves, the life-giving part, the universal part, which for argument’s sake we might call “being” or “consciousness”.

How might we begin to move forward from loneliness with this new understanding?
What I have personally found to be useful is to appreciate that the “identity” or “me” is quite a hungry beast and is never really fully satisfied, no matter what. It always wants more. So simply shifting our attention and awareness away from “Me” to “being” is a great starting point. How to begin to do that?
Find a quiet place, relax for a couple of minutes. Allow the attention to become aware of the demands that the mind is engaged in. Accept them for what they are i.e. regrets, expectations, disappointments, annoyance etc. or “noise”. Then bring the attention to the body. Just rest with the body for a few minutes. Experience it in all its glory and magnificence. And then leave it.

Go within, past the noise in the mind and experience the “being”, the cosmic energy that is the life within.
All going well you might begin to experience a feeling and an insight that you actually have everything you need. Maybe not in the outer world but definitely in the inner world. In your inner world you are perfect, complete and without fault. Full of power, love and potential. And an adult who can live the life you choose. At least on the inside.

So, reflecting on the cure to loneliness? Shift your attention from absence to fullness. Become your own best friend. Accept yourself, your inner self. And accept that your “identity” maybe isn’t all that you desire. But that’s okay, it’s a work-in-progress. By coming to know your inner self, you may find that you ultimately make friends with yourself, love yourself, accept yourself and become your own best friend.

And then, who knows, you may realise you are surrounded by love and friendship and all you need do is move yourself towards it.